traces

(no subject)

ok, its been like a thousand years since i updated, so here it goes. since it is a loooooooooong story, im just going to say eric is an asshole and a compulsive liar and slanderized me and made his whole family think i am crazy by telling his whole family and friends that i busted his grandmas car window and left a note for him.....im not even going to go into it, bottom line, we are most definitely not together anymore, for the best. but i also have to say that my friend and i set him up one night where he thought he was just going to meet her at starbucks but when i showed up, he realized that cristine knew he was a liar and got a taste of his own medicine, of course i tried to talk to him but he didnt want to and then i tried to give him his stuff back but he didnt want it, so the next day his 'girlfriend' came by work and got it for him, then when i got home, a cop came to my house telling me how his dad said he didnt want to "pull out a restraining order on me." the whole thing was a big ugly mess, and like the cop coming to the house really scared me...i thought it was funny! oh well, i have other more important things to worry about like how my brother is at lackland air force base right now in texas for boot camp and how i am now a member of the air force reserves and my ship date for boot camp is in january, im going to be a bioenvironmental engineer!! basically its like working for OSHA or the EPA. im also going to college part-time and working part-time at a veterinary clinic in merced. when i go to texas in jan, i wont be back until june and by then, i want to move closer to fairfield because travis air force base is where i will be working. oh, and i adopted a puppy from the pound!! i know its risky because of diseases and all, but he was cute. hes a big puppy, 6 months and a shepard cross, maybe malamute or husky?? oh well, his name is kiba! (pronounced kee-bah) well, im going to bed, i just came back from travis today, what a long drive...i swore in today! it was cool, take care everyone...
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    blank blank
sweet dreams

(no subject)

it has been forever since i last updated, so here it goes...not a whole lot has changed, school is out for now, im still working, i adopted a new cute little kitty named Zora (from Zelda!), i am going to join the air force reserves, my brother graduated from high school finally and ships out for the airforce in august, and i am still with my boyfriend. well, i guess things are going fairly well with me. i have an appointment in stockton with the recruiter and i am sure i want to do this especially since eric said of course he will still be there for me and from the way things are going lately, getting married oneday is a definite possibility, i mean, hes the one that mentions "us" and the "m" word, and even sometimes mentions "our" kids...it just kind of scares me because i never thought i would meet someone who actually wanted to spend their life with me, he really likes me and cares a lot about me, im not used to that from other men other than my dad. i almost thought he was going to ask me to marry him one night! oh and on june 12, he wants to take me to san francisco to spend the night after i get off of work and then we are going to go deep sea fishing for salmon the next morning! that should be interesting. i also went out to get my haircut yesterday, i really like it! well im going to take off, i have an appointment to donate blood today!! i get free cheese and juice afterwards!! yeah! ^^ take care everyone.
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    happy happy
love and paradise

happy!

stufff
You are the Spirit of Hope. Whenever someone is
feeling down, they merely have to think of you
to make them happy again. You have the ability
to simply radiate happiness. You can make
friends quickly because your strong point is
your amazingly friendly nature which naturally
people want to be with. You think about the
best in everything, a total optimist, you won't
have any trouble getting a worthy person to
shae your life with!


Which stunning spirit of emotion are you? NEW AND IMPROVED! (amazingly beautiful anime pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

im in a good mood today! its so annoying!
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    bouncy bouncy
Blue heaven

(no subject)

helpless
Your word is: Helpless. You have so many emotions
bottled up inside and you are at the verge of a
breaking point. Life is just too painful
nowadays and you don't want to live it more.
You secretly wish someone would show their love
for you and save you from your dark thoughts.
You feel there is nothing you can do and may
turn to self-harming to relieve the stress. You
are also often depressed and may have thoughts
of death. Life didn't turn out the way you
wanted it to.


What dark word represents you? (anime pics and 7 outcomes)
brought to you by Quizilla
  • Current Mood
    cheerful cheerful
forever with you

i think i finally did it....

well, its been awhile and a lot has changed. i dont hang out with daniel a lot, in fact, not at all. this is what happened. last week, daniel was supposed to go with me in the morning to angels camp and pick up my check. so i called him the morning of and he said he didnt want to go because he was tired, so i was like whatever. so i went to the college instead and meddled with my friends and then i decided to go up by myself, but when i was at the gas station, i decided to call up this great guy from my drama class and asked him what was up. he said nothing and when i told him where i was going, he asked if he could come along. of course that was the point of me calling so i said sure. we went there and to my moms really quick and really hit it off. then we went to the casino that night then to fresno and ate. the next we hung out all day and we even went to class together the next day. that day he told daniel that he liked me and when he dropped me off at my house, we finally confessed to one another that we liked each other. hes now my boyfriend and i know he is the one. no guy has ever treated me like a queen except my dad. since im tired, i am going to be brief, hes a factory drive and a race car driver, an only child, his name is eric and hes german. he cares about me so much i cant believe its actually happening to me. i told him today that the thought of losing him is unbearable and he told me not to worry because i am not going to lose him and he isnt going to lose me, hes so different and real. i think i love him...i think this is it...
Which Pagan Goddess Are You? by kira_may
Name?
Age?
You are:
You favourite trick:Throwing fire balls at unsuspecting gods
Your feeling towards mortals:They get boring after awhile
When you sleep with mortals, your lover is:
Mortal you'd most like to smite:The enitre cast of Friends
Quiz created with MemeGen!
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    loved loved
rinoa

(no subject)

ok its been a while since ive logged on so heres the scoop so far...as of right now, i am not talking to daniel, who is someone i hang out with all the time, like, i spend the night at his house sometimes because we hang out and do stuff together. the reason for this, because we hang hang out a lot and we have so much in common, i am getting my emotions all mixed up about him, ive never had a really really good guy friend like him, hes like my best friend but a guy, so i am getting confused about it. i mean, i say i love him, but just as a friend, right? anyways, today at drama, i tried sneaking downstairs with zach, the guy from the comedy club, but daniel caught me. i ignored him when he yelled at me and then when i finally decided to listen to him, he told me if i do it again, then i have to sweep and mop after every show, i told him i didnt care and walked away. he then tracked me down and because i kind of ignored him, he said he was going to tell fred, the teacher and director. ugh! i hate it when he does that! anyways, zach is another thing. apparently, he knows i like him and the thing with his common-law wife (he also has a daughter about 3yrs) is that shes moving to oklahoma this year. so zach has been 'nice' to me by offering to walk me to my car and sitting next to me and talking. hehe...i know now that when guys do that, they just want in your pants. thats another thing, i have been offered to do something, but im not sure if i will, im not saying any more...oh yeah! today, christine and i were just sitting in the theatre seats when the actors were rehearsing and then fred yells out for us. apparently her and i are going to be in the play! we just walk across the stage by ourselves but i have a speaking part! i suck though, christine did better but she made me take it kind of because i do want to speak, its just when on the stage like that, its hard...its not even really a complete line this is it "...and then i said,'keep your hands were they belong!'" hehehe...its great, we get costumes!!! i even voluntarily auditioned for the part in front of the directors to make sure i could do it. its not a big deal i know, but for me it is! theres probably more thats going on but for once, im tired. the thing with daniel really hurts though because i love hanging out with him and hes like the one that can actually keep up with me. im not afraid of being myself around him, i miss him...although he did scold me tonight!!! but that was my fault...
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    confused confused
alone again?

(no subject)

ok, first off, i am getting over the jesse thing, it just hurts a little and sometimes when i really think about it a lot, it hurst even more, but life goes on and i am not going to be upset about this forever, we are not here for that long...everything is just temporary, even our happiness. but anyways, i decided to take up the chance of calling that guy i got his phone number from when i lost a bet, and come to think of it, i didnt type it here. well it was last wednsday when my friends and i were at dennys. stephanie, jared, and i were being stupid and had the waiter give us little shots of chocolate syurp and whovever couldnt down all of it, had to ask one of the guys sitting a couple tables from us, i lost. so i went over there and talked to him and got his number, ive never done that before!! it was surprisingly easy too. so my friends texted him and then convinced me to call him. well, i taled to him today and i guess we are going to go out and see a movie. hes 20 and is a math major at the college i go to, so so far its ok, but we'll see. anyways, on friday, clinton, my ex, returned my call when i called him like 5 minutes after the ordeal with jesse and he asked what was up and i told him i feel used. he was all like, 'what about me?' and i said no and he was like oh come on, i know youre talking about me, and i was like, noo..and i told him what happened, its like he wanted me to talk about him, does he not think i am over him? and was he implying that he was using me? i know he did. so that was weird, but it doesnt end there.

at work on saturday, things started off busy and ray, the boss, was not in a good mood. but things didnt get really weird until later in the day. the two techs i work with, cathy and jen, were telling me stuff about clinton (yes he works at the same place i do but during a different shift) about how he has been defiant and doesnt like to be told what to do. sounds like clinton alright...so i was outside when the janitor dalen started to talk to me. somehow we got on the subject of clintons performance at work, and when we were done talking about that, i was about to go inside when he says,' one more thing, i heard from a little birdie that you and clinton were going out' i just looked at him and i was all like 'jen.' she told him about us, but thats not the problem...i told dalen we are nothing anymore and told him that clinton had a weird childhood and thats why he is acting the way is. then i went inside, and after that, dalen wouldnt stop talking to me. when i was outside again to get the barn truck from him, we somehow got on the subject of religion, it got to the point where i said i didnt really want to talk about it anymore because my thoughts about religion are really different and i dont want to upset anybody, but he pursued and said how sin is all aroun us and stuff. i had to be out there for a while because eventually cathy came outside and told dalen i needed the truck, so that ended, finally...so then i went back in the hospital and told cathy about how he was acting weird and kept talking to me about weird things, and then i went outside to use the truck. then when i was about to start it up, dalen comes up to me and starts talking to me about clinton. he said there are some things about him that he cant say at work because he can lose his job, he also asked me if clinton told me anything about him. i lied to him and told him no. i knew what he was trying to get at, he wanted to know if clinton told me about how dalen got in trouble for touching a minor and asked clinton to do sexual things for him for money. but i knew i wasnt supposed to talk about it either and i also didnt care to know. so when i told him clinton told me nothing, he told me he can only talk to me about why clinton and him have problems outside of work and kept stressing to me how he could lose his job if he talks about it, so i said,'if it is something you are not supposed to talk about, then i dont want to know.' i told him i dont want to get involved because i have my own problems. but he went ahead and told me everything, and more. like, i didnt know he was gay and that he asked clinton for sexual favors because he thought clinton was gay too (funny thought though!) i was rather stunned...then he left and told me not to tell anyone he told me, that lasted for like 30 minutes. i went inside and cathy and jen were there and they say i was really upset and cathy asked what was wrong. i just gave her a strange look and she was like what did dalen say? and i said i know more than what i want to know. and they both drew out what was bothering me because i told them i wasnt supposed to say anything. after cathy found out, she walked straight out to the barn and blew up in dalens face apparently. i have never seen her that mad.

anyways, i went to the front lobby and talked to jen about it and then cathy came back told me dalen i set him up which was not true so i started crying and cathy told me it was ok because she knows dalen was just trying to cover himself and then dalen came and told cathy, i want to talk to you after youre done with her. cathy just got my side and then dalen came in and cathy went mother hen on his ass, i didnt know she liked me so much. so after she told him how he wasnt supposed to day anything and how it was is fault and consdiered psychological rape because i told him i didnt want to talk about it twice, she said she has to tell ray, the boss about it. it was weird too because this creepy depressing '20s song was playing in the background. i didnt want all this to happen, i dont want problems and i dont want anyone to lose their jobs. cathy said he just felt compelled to tell me because he knew i was friends with clinton and didnt know what clinton told me about him. and on sunday, he totally ignored me and went out of his way to avoid me. ugh..clinton causes so much problems! oh well, i need to pick up my check tuesday so i guess i might find out what happened. im tired, have japanese quiz tomorrow, need to study tomorrow, and this new guy better watch out because i am not yet totally man-friendly.
later.
  • Current Mood
    gloomy gloomy
wolfwalk

fuck men

once again i have been burned. i really must be the type of person that has to touch the stove more than once to understand that it will always burn me. oh well. life goes on, its just that i feel so used because i was. i called him last night just to talk and we got on the subject of how in the past couple of months he has been having a hard time and but became happier when i came along. then he said that he doesnt really know what he wants and lately he hasnt been acting himself because he has just been wanting to drink, meet girls, and get laid. and that is exactly what he said. i should also mention that this last tuesday, after we went to the zoo and had dinner, we went to a liquor store bought stuff, and then got drunk. i did things i shouldnt have done, but i guess at least i didnt go 'all the way.' so on the phone, he basically told me he just wanted to have fun, and he also said he didnt want to do anything stupid again and didnt want me to cut myself like i did from my last boyfriend, yet he had fun and enjoys being with me. but way before he got to this, i knew he wanted to end it so i just asked him if he thinks all this, then perhaps we shouldnt see each other again. then he says,"i dont know, what are you thinking?" grrr...he didnt even have the fucking balls to say its over!! so i said,"let me make this easy for you, i will decide for you, lets not see each other again." "but i had so much fun with you and i dont want you to hurt yourself" he said. "dont worry about me. bye." then he said bye and that was it. i cried of course, and of course i knew what i was getting myself into, i just wasnt expecting it to be like this, sure i had fun too, but i thought this would last more than a month and i told him i didnt want to be used just for sexual purposes, but it happened anyways...i also feel that he used me just for temporary happiness, i was just a thing that brought some joy in his life and when he got bored with me, he threw me out like a piece of fucking garbage. and thats another thing! when he was talking about how he hasnt been himself lately, he told me that hes afraid that when hes with someone that he will wake up oneday and realize that hes bored with that person and then leave them. oh my fucking god! i just remembered he said that! now i am really fucking depressed, a fucking ass got bored with me....fuck men. i see why females swing the other way. i know i will get over this, but that really hurts me, i was doing ok until i remembered he said that, he didnt say that directly to me, but he was implying it about me. fuck them all. i just wanted to be with someone who wanted more than sex, nothing serious at all. and of course this all happens right aaround the fucking day i dread. fuck.
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    crappy depressed and crappy
dayspass

i feel alive!

i was so freakin happy today!!! i was smiling all the time and laughing for no apparent reason outloud!! i love feeling like this! and i am so happy because of the other night at dennys with all those interesting people, and because of that guy zach! but since i havent really had anytime to myself, i decided to take it easy today. first i slept in a little later than usual like at 12, that was nice, i love to sleep! then i got all dressed up, went to get my hair trimmed, nothing too major, i still wanted to retain its length. and then i went to the mall and did some light shopping. i was so happy just smiling and feeling good! and when i was through with that, i ate some lunch at a restaurant in the mall and then went home. i then called daniel to see what he was up to and he wanted me to go the college so he could teach me to play magic...yes...it is a nerdy card game, but its not that bad...or is it?? lol! so we stayed there till closing at 10 and went to get dinner and just hang out at his place until i got tired and came home. oh yeah, i also got to see my dad today!! i seriously havent seen him since monday and i live with him! its because i usually get home really late, today i got home at 12am and thats the first time in awhile that i have been home that early. i didnt know how big, interesting, and amazing the world can be! i always knew there was more to life and im glad im finally getting to get a taste of it! life really can be great at times! too bad this week has gone by too fast, oh well...next week is just around the corning and i wouldnt mind repeating this week all over again! i am happy.
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    jubilant loved & enthralled to the max!